The All-Stars of Trouble

The MLB All-Star Game in July marks the mid-point of the baseball season. Getting on the All-Star team is more of a popularity contest these days as fan votes determine who makes it and who starts. It’s really more like those votes you do in high school to say which classmate will be most likely to __ than a true selection of the best of the best.  But I digress.  

As we’re halfway through summer (sort of) the votes are in for what I’m calling the All-Stars of Trouble (aka, the most likely to drive me crazy awards).

Most likely to run at the pool. The 3-year-old. What is it about a slippery pool deck that makes kids want to run like Sonic the Hedgehog? Pretty much all kids could get this award but the older boys have been taught (through classically conditioned Pavlovian responses to the life guard’s whistle) not to run. The 3-year-old is still on the go. Probably wondering what that cool whistling sound is.

Most likely to be covered in bug bites. The 8-year-old. He’s outside all the time and in the bushes and on his knees in the grass looking for bugs. He fails to realize (or care) that they are looking for him too and he gets all sorts of bites. The bugs, no doubt, love him. In Major League Baseball there’s a big to-do made when a player is leading the league in home runs at the All-Star break. There’s no competition in who’s leading the field in the bug bites department.

Most likely to drop a metal water bottle. The 11-year-old. Staying hydrated is good, but this kid takes it to the next level. He takes his approximately 17-pound  titanium (probably) water canteen everywhere. The sound of a metal water container striking tile has to be in my top 5 list for least favorite sounds.

Most likely to impersonate a clam. The 5-year-old has all the votes for this one. For such a generally optimistic and cheerful kid, he can clam up like the most stubborn mollusk. I don’t know if that’s just how he handles embarrassment or if the cat gets his tongue or what, but when he shuts down you have a better shot having a conversation with a rock.

Most likely to ask to go fishing.  The 9-year-old. This kid is really into fishing, which is great. But he has zero understanding of fishing weather or timing. It’ll be 105 degrees and humid and I’ll be in the middle of repairing the lawn mower and he’ll be like, “hey, Dad, can we go fishing?” Feel the room, kid.

Most likely to be misunderstood. The 12-year-0ld. Are the misunderstandings on me for misunderstanding his moody expressions and brooding looks? Or is he feeling misunderstood because he’s on the cusp of adolescence? Answer: Yes.

Most likely to wear squeaky shoes. The 1-year-old. She has a pair of little shoes with what I assume are dog squeaky toys in the heels. Every step is hilarity…to her. It’s further evidence of the dads are easier on daughters theory that this pair of footwear is still in the house. If this had been one of the boys I don’t think I could take it. But somehow, for her, it’s different. I guess you could say she squeaked by.