Resume for Fatherhood

With the most wonderful time of the year approaching (aka, Father’s Day) I was thinking about the role of dad. I figure after you’ve been a dad for 10 years or so you can claim to be an experienced father. Like, if you were applying for a dad job you’d be looking for a senior level father position.

Hmmm… What do you think that resume would look like?

Professional Summary: Experienced father with history of successfully being generally disregarded by seven direct-reports, looking to bring strong work ethic and mediocre dad jokes to familial organization in the Austin area.

Skills

·       Fluent in baby, toddler, and teenagese

·       Strong problem-solving skills specifically as they relate to toys lost in drains, toilets, and in gutters

·       Able to locate lost pacifier in the dark

·       Excellent transition skills for moving sleeping baby from car to crib

·       Ability to distinguish and triage different types of cries from up to half a block away

·       Proficient in sippy cub assembly

Experience

Entry Level Dad, 2011-2014

·       Successfully adapted to new sleep system the organization adopted in 2011

·       Learned to fail forward and take adversity as a challenge relative to diaper changes

·       Pioneered and implemented the “Daddy Car Wash” after-bath drying system

Junior Level Dad, 2015-2021

·       Proven ability to unclog toilets including Level II toy-in-toilet retrieval skills

·       Surpassed two dozen “dad saves” including catching a toddler jumping off a swing

·       Successfully incorporated, “when I was a kid”, “back in my day”, and “kids these days…” into conversations

Senior Level Dad, 2022 – Present

·       Managed multiple medical situations including toddler croup, nosebleeds, and repairing loose orthodontic appliances

·       Took all six boys to the dollar store once

·       Successfully completed seven in-labor drives to the hospital or birthing center

·       Demonstrated history of giving solid advice and guidance with little to no impression

Education and Distinctions

Awarded best kid distraction technique by the National Institute of Farcical Fatherhood Awards (2015)
Licensed investigator of kid crimes (2017)
Certified 6-month-old rock-to-sleeper (2020)
Graduated from Fatherhood U summa cum loudly (2021)