The Fatherhood Madness Bracket

Well, it’s March so let the madness begin. I fill out a bracket for the NCAA March Madness basketball tournament every year. I have come close to a perfect bracket not even once. But this is the year.

All the bracketology and matchup talk got me thinking and I realized now was the perfect time to create a Fatherhood Madness bracket. In a nutshell, unwelcome and just plain terrible kid behavior and stages go head-to-head and duke it out to find out which kid behavior wins the title as the worst.

I could definitely come up with a full 64 of these but will spare you and pick things up at the Sweet Sixteen (which in the Fatherhood Madness bracket is called the Sour Sixteen). Here is how the behaviors and stages are seeded:

1. Time Change Syndrome
2. The Shrieking
3. Tantrums
4. Eating Everything Stage
5. Teething
6. Hunger Strike
7. Eye Rolling
8. Dragging Hands On The Wall
9. Night Terrors
10. Tattling
11. Pretending Not To Hear You
12. Missing The Toilet
13. Licking As An Attack
14. Head Butting
15. Pouring Cups Of Milk And Not Drinking Them
16. Leaving Wet Towels On The Floor

In the first matchup, the #1 seed, Time Change Syndrome, takes on the #16 seed Leaving Wet Towels on the Floor. It’s exceedingly rare for a #1 seed to lose to a #16 and this contest is no different. Yes, Leaving Wet Towels on the Floor get a few points, but in the end #16 is only a one-time occurrence where Time Change Syndrome has the broad and ongoing effect of wrecking sleep patters and routines for weeks. Time Change gets the win.

The #2 Shrieking vs. #15 Pouring Cups of Milk and Not Drinking them is another lopsided contest. That stage when your child shrieking and hitting motorcycle decibel levels throughout the day is just a whole different level than leaving full milk cups at the table – as annoying and wasteful as that is. #2 moves on.

Tantrums take on Head Butting in the next matchup. The #3 seeded Tantrums have the advantage of also sometimes containing head butting so they prevail. Plus, Tantrums are common and Head Butting is less common than I was led to believe by my first two boys.

We have our first upset! The #4 Eating Everything Stage, when your crawler is trying to munch on every Crayon or Lego in sight, is tough. But there’s something too diabolical about #13 utilizing Licking as an Attack method not to get the win here. To give some insight into this offense, here’s a play they run: two brothers are reaching for the toothpaste at the same time so one decides he will lick the back of the other’s hand to make him let go. This is A) effective, and B) Always results in the other boy calling foul (and yelling for Dad). The #13 underdog story begins.

We see quite the mismatch when #5 Teething takes on #12 Missing the Toilet. The longevity and reoccurrence of the teething stage really make it an underrated powerhouse. Plus, you know how in March Madness being able to make shots from downtown is important? Well, in Fatherhood Madness being able to make "shots” from approximately six inches away is even more important. And Missing the Toilet fails spectacularly at this so they watch their season go down the drain. At least something is.

Things get interesting when #6 Hunger Strike goes up against #11 Pretending Not to Hear You. Hunger Strike starts out stronger, when it seems the kid isn’t going to eat anything except Ranch Doritos. But it doesn’t last. And Pretending Not to Hear You has both staying power and more impact in driving Dad nuts. #11 advances and we have another upset.

The next winner is #10 Tattling over #7 Rolling Eyes. This one plays out a little counterintuitively. Eye Rolling is definitely a worse behavior. But it’s so disrespectful it’s not something tolerated at our house so it’s not very common. Tattling on the other hand is an all-too-common behavior and it ekes out the win.

Our final Sour Sixteen matchup is #8 Dragging Hands on the Wall vs. #9 Night Terrors. As the seeding indicates, this one is a total tossup. Why the boys so often drag their oily, grimy, and dirty hands on the wall as they walk through the house is beyond me. But so is dealing with Night Terrors. This one comes down to the wire but due to their incredible disruption of sleep, and the need to call in Mom, Night Terrors gets the W.

Ok, we’re in to The Awful Eight. Here are the matchups:

#1 Time Change Syndrome takes on #5 Teething. Truth be told, there are a lot of similarities between these two. The incredible disruptions such a small appearing change can cause is stunning on both sides. In the end, #5 Teething ekes out the win.

#2 The Shrieking is up against #11 Pretending Not to Hear You. The Shrieking has an offense that looks unbeatable, plus you can only pretend you can’t hear Dad for so long, so The Shrieking continues its loud march forward.

The contest between #3 Tantrums and #10 Tattling is thrilling. Every time the Tantrums do something the Tattlers have a response. In the end, defense wins championships and Tattling pulls off the upset.

The final Awful Eight battle is between #9 Night Terrors and the Cinderella story #13 Licking as an Attack. Will Licking be able to keep up its unlikely streak and make it to the Foul Four? Well, it’s not called the Awful Eight for nothing and #13 licks the Night Terrors and moves to the semi-finals.

The Foul Four is #5 Teething vs #13 Licking as An Attack and #2 The Shrieking vs #10 Tattling.

Things don’t always go how you plan them to in March, and against tremendous odds Licking as an Attack defeats Teething. They pulled out the trick play book and licked the last cookie before anyone else could get it pulling out the win at the buzzer.

The Shrieking vs. Tattling looked like it was going to be a classic power offense vs power defense game. But The Shrieking showed their high pitched screaming can also be used defensively and come away with the win.

So, the final match up in this entirely contrived version of Fatherhood Madness is #13 Licking As an Attack vs. #2 The Shrieking. I was going to stop here and give you, the one or two readers who stuck with it this far, a chance to write in and cast your vote for the winner. But I don’t have to.

Because, to this day, I still get emails from people who have come across one of the columns I wrote about The Shrieking stage desperate for advice on weathering that noisy stage or at least asking for encouragement that it’s going to end soon. Which means The Shrieking is your Fatherhood Madness 2024 winner for most unwelcomed child behavior.