My Kids if they were Foods
Someone recently suggested I write a column describing what food they’d be if each of my kids was a food. I was looking at a blank page for too long this week and that started to sound like a good idea and now you have this column.
The 3-year-old is
a brat. That is, a bratwurst. Brats are kind of a party food and he’s a high
energy party kid. The sides and toppings that go best with brats are often
sharp and spicy (sauerkraut, German mustard, etc). The 3-year-old also comes
with a side of sharpness. One of his brothers recently told a story about
waking up crying from a dream. The 3-year-old looked at him and sarcastically
said, “Wow. That’s amazing. Good for you.” Told you. He’s a brat.
The 5-year-old is
macaroni and cheese. To accurately portray him, the 5-year-old needed a food
that seemed like it was smiling all the time. Enter, macaroni pasta. The bright
yellow cheese that coats that smile is like his bright blond hair. Macaroni is
kind of short as far as pasta goes and as far as 5-year-olds go so is he.
The 7-year-old is
a T-bone steak. Remember that Seinfeld episode where Goerge tries to get
everyone at work to give him the nickname T-bone? Well, the 7-year-old is
likely going to get that name spontaneously. He’s one solid mass of beef. It’s
best to prepare in advance of eating a large steak and I recommend advance
preparation for meeting the 7-year-old as well. Perhaps putting on a helmet.
The 9-year-old is pizza.
Pizza is a popular food and one most people get along with well. Except those
who are lactose intolerant. The 9-year-old seems to possess that sort of upsetting
quality as well. Few are as good at getting to others right where they’re most
vulnerable. But just like pizza, few are also as good at making friends with
the majority of people.
The 10-year-old is
a hamburger. Burgers are customizable and eclectic and so are the 10-year-old’s
interests. One minute he’s talking about Legos the next it’s narwhales and then
it’s mathematics. Burgers are made to order and his curiosity leads him to
tailor his conversation and questions (mostly questions) to whomever he’s
talking with.
The 12-year-old is
a mushroom. That’s not just because I wanted to refer to my oldest as a mushroom
in a column. The 12-year-old has always
been a routine oriented kid and very set in his ways. He’s not going to pretend
to like something he doesn’t. Mushrooms are an acquired taste and they’re just
going to be themselves, like it or not. You can go from thinking mushrooms don’t
go with what you’re eating to finding out you’ve been approaching them wrong
all along. It’s the same for the 12-year-old. If you think he’s too set in his
ways to cooperate or play with, it’s time to rethink that first impression. You
might just realize he’s a “fun-gi”.