The Halloween Night Exchange
One of the boys’ most anticipated Halloween traditions comes after the annual traipse around the neighborhood shaking down homeowners for candy. After the many pounds (yes, they weigh their haul) of candy is lugged home, the boys will empty their sacks (shopping bags, backpacks, pillow cases, whatever) onto the floor and begin sorting.
They’ll count candy bars, make piles of Skittle and M&M bags, and generally organize the plunder of the night. Once they have their things in order, thence commences the great post-Halloween trading floor (which ironically takes place on the floor).
The trades, deals, and bargains are made as fast as any exchange in the world. The NYSE has nothing on the clamor and chaos that erupts as the trick-or-treated candy market opens.
As a dad I have an important role to play here. Actually, several. Role number one comes in advance of the chaos. As trick-or-treat chaperone, and to ensure I can provide the necessary security of their goods during inter-house travel, I exact a modest “Daddy Tax” on the gains from the evening. In the past it’s been a nominal Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup here or there.
Perhaps the role became a bit more Sheriff of Nottingham than chaperone though because, to this day, Reese’s are known in our house as Daddy Taxes.
As questionable as that role may be, as a dad the next three roles are very important and less self-serving. Once the trading begins I wear a three sided hat as FTC officer, SEC commissioner, and FDA inspector.
As the FTC (Fair Trading of Candy) officer I have final say on the validity of all trades. “You, an 8-year-old, are trading your 3-year-old brother two Smarties for 5 Snickers? I don’t think so.” Trade denied.
In addition to protecting candy consumers from bad trades, as the SEC (Soft and Edible Candy) commissioner, it’s my job to ensure fairness in the distribution of age appropriate candy. When a younger kid who isn’t allowed to eat hard candy has been the recipient of lots of hard candy I have to step in and facilitate an exchange of hard candy to the older boys. As SEC commissioner I also have to make sure the older kids are giving something reasonable in return (not just a pile of those poor excuses for candy Bit-o-honeys).
My role as FDA (Food that’s Digestible and Approved) inspector is to assist in culling out any opened, unsanitary, or questionable looking candy wrappers and packaging. Any candy meeting those qualifications won’t be approved for consumption. There is a lot to go through so my wife often also wears the FDA inspector hat too.
As you can see, it’s a multifaceted and challenging job to oversee the post-Halloween trading floor. One could argue the Daddy Tax could reasonably be much higher to support such a demanding role…
However, speaking of roles, there’s one more hat I wear long after the trick-or-treat candy markets have closed. I’m the FDIC (the Father with Dental Insurance for Children). And it’s a good thing, too.