Repeating Myself Again

As a father of seven, I repeat myself a lot. A lot. Sometimes it’s saying the same thing to different kids, sometimes it’s saying the same thing to all the kids, but always it’s saying the same thing more than once. 

This gets old. It’s hard not to start hearing your own voice as the Charlie Brown parenting voice: wah wah wah, weh wah wah.  

It’s a little ironic that some of the repeating is in response to the barrage of repeated questions from the kids. Can I have dessert? Can I have dessert? Not tonight x 7. It’s like we need to make an announcement that the request is denied categorically not just because one particular kid asked. 

The catch 22 of it all, is you’re forced to repeat yourself to get the point across, but the regular repetition creates the expectation amongst the children that you don’t really need to listen until the third time. 

“I’m not going to say it again,” is indeed saying it again and the kids will quickly get into a habit of waiting for that ultimatum to trigger the listening part of their auditory system. 

I think it’s significantly worse with boys. Between my six and the dozens of boys age 8-12 I’ve coached or observed playing baseball, the need for repetitive direction is astoundingly consistent. I don’t have enough data to say it’s not the same with girls, but I sure don’t seem to hear the same (semi-exasperated) repetitive direction-giving coming from the softball fields. 

Repetition is the nature of practicing sports, coaching, and parenting. It’s really the cousin of an important principle in all three areas: consistency. The goal of taking reps in baseball is to be a consistent hitter. The goal of repeatedly telling a player to be in “ready position” is so they learn to consistently do this at the beginning of the play. And the goal of repeating directions, advice, or admonishments to children is to (someday, hopefully) instill a consistency in your kids’ sense of responsibility, initiative, and character. 

This reminds me of a principle from business management guru and restaurateur Danny Meyer’s book “Setting the Table.” He describes a managerial style wherein you set high standards for employees and hold them accountable using “constant, gentle pressure” to repeatedly correct through kindness and encouragement. He calls it the Saltshaker method using the analogy of a salt shaker that is supposed to be in the middle of the table that employees will continually move away from the center. 

An analogy only goes so far, but this one stuck with me as applicable to parenting as Meyer’s starts from the principle that employees’ default is to err. That may sound cynical but experience confirms it’s real. And this certainly applies to kids. If you start from the premise that kids are going to know how to behave, listen attentively to every word you say, or know intuitively that they shouldn’t touch their bother with their feet — well, the repeating is going to be all the more baffling.

But if you go in knowing they’re going to need constant reminders about such things as touching their brothers with their feet, then the repeating becomes more understandable (albeit unwelcomed). Such is parenting life. And such it will continue to be. Repeatedly.