You Should Put that in the Column

As the boys have gotten older and seen this column in print or heard people talk about it, a curious reaction has developed. When one of their brothers does something funny, they will often turn to me and say, “Dad, you should put that in the column!” 

Actually, the occurrence doesn’t have to be funny at all and often isn’t when they say this. I’ve tried to explain that not everything is column material, that some things are funny but the humor is lost in trying to put it in writing, or that what’s funny to them isn’t necessarily funny to everyone. Or anyone. 

Nevertheless, the comments continue, “you should put that in the column.” Sometimes, the boys do hit on something funny though. Take the 2-year-old’s “game” called flat ninja. This is where the 2-year-old will be sneaking up on his older brothers in the backyard and then abruptly throws himself onto the ground and lies there like a dropped piece of cheese. 

It’s not clear how this started, why he thought it was the thing to do, or if there was any secondary goal to the game, but it is very funny to witness. And I’ve been repeatedly told, “you should put that in the column” So now I have. 

There are many conversations, if you can call them that, with younger brothers that the older brothers overhear and deem column worthy. Like this one. 

4-year-old: I like pickle sandwiches but I do NOT like pickle waffles 

Me: Have you ever had a pickle waffle?

4-year-old: [laughing] No!

I often make a note of these interactions, and then when I revisit them when writing a column I discard them because they are incomplete or don’t have any context. But not today. Today, Dad put them in the column. 

There are a handful of things that happen in a house full of boys that are inappropriate (gasp!) that don’t make it into the column. Like the boys, I’ve never been one to hold back on a good poop joke, but I’ve (mostly) spared you from the ridiculous anatomical references and gross general happenings. But not today! 

The 2-year-old excitedly burst into the bathroom while I’m shaving. 

2-year-old: Dad, I slammed my penis in the toilet. 

Me: Uh, well, don’t do that. 

2-year-old: Yeah, it was OUCH!

It’s hard to capture the smile and general air with which he delivered this report. I think it was the first day he learned the anatomically correct name for himself and he was delighted to have an excuse to get to use it. He may have slammed the toilet seat down for this very purpose. 

I’ll include one more since it’s a great example of the sort of things this column was supposed to be about. 

7-year-old: Mom, have you ever caught a fish?

Mom: Yes, I caught a large tuna once when deep sea fishing on a boat. 

7-year-old: How big was it? 

Mom: Oh, probably a little bigger than the dining room 

7-year-old: [excitedly to brothers] Mom once caught a fish as big as the dining room!

Mom: No, no, the BOAT was as big as the dining room. 

10-year-old: Dad, you should put that in the column!