Out of the Journal of Babes

He’s only a couple of months old, but I found out the newborn is keeping a diary. I’ve mentioned before that he’s an overachiever. With five older brothers I guess that makes sense. Here are some entries from his daily diary I found scribbled on scraps of a diaper box. 

Day 5: Found a Crayon and started writing. Didn’t so much find the Crayon as the shortest, blue-eyed native attempted to feed it to me. Tried to bite his finger. (Mem: Find out where to get “teeth”).

Day 6: Bald, hairy faced man held me again. Didn’t give me milk. Seems useless.

Day 8: A day of startling discoveries. I turned my head to both sides and this place is way bigger than where I came from. Also, there are at least five different “brothers” here. No one understands personal space. 

Day 11: The Milk-Giver is surprisingly delighted when I poop. (Mem: Research connection between eating and pooping.)

Day 12: Appear to be passing out after eating. Keep waking up in different spots. 

Day 21: I don’t think I’m going back in the womb. Gaining weight at an impressive clip. Resolved to learn the language. The “brothers” use this word “aaarharhaarhhhgg! a lot.

Day 24: Smiled at the Milk-Giver and she almost cried. I’m set for life.

Day 28: Going to try some experiments to gauge manipulability. Plan to cry for 22 hours today.

Day 28 (later): Voice is hoarse but got extra milk and picked up by the Milk-Giver more. Can probably gain enough weight to take out the shortest brother by Day 75.

Day 29: Lots of crying and lots of attention. I’m a genius. 

Day 30: Plans backfiring. I’m starting to cry for everything now, even when I don’t mean to. And Milk-Giver isn’t as quick to try and feed me. Cranky. Gassy. On the upside I discovered Twitter. 

Day 31: #thestruggleisreal

Day 31: Woke up in the middle of the night and started screaming. Milk-Giver sang quiet songs. Was kind of fun. (Mem: Brothers don’t appear to be around at night. Try sleeping in the day instead?)

Day 33: Bald, hairy face is on to me. Said something about “reverse cycling” and me not being very nice to Mom (that’s what they call the Milk-Giver). Not a fan of sleeping in the day anyway so discontinuing that experiment. 

Day 37: This place is way, way, way bigger than where I’m from! Went on a walk and saw the entire world. (Mem: Large birds may be of a concern.)

Day 45: Have fully acclimated to the family and kind of like the brothers being around. Spit up on the tall one though, just to keep them guessing. 

Day 50: I smiled at bald, hairy face today. He smiled back and seems slightly less useless now. 

Day 60: Slept like a log last night. Feeling pretty good. This family is alright. 

Day 60 (later): I think I know where to get teeth. At least I can feel something under my gums. I’m sure they’ll come in fast and painlessly.