The "Feels Like" Formula for Parents

We’re all familiar with the concepts of the heat index and wind chill factor. Many a broadcast meteorologist has nearly had a conniption warning viewers about the extreme “feels like” temperature on a scorching summer day, or the dangers of frostbite when the wind chill is putting temperatures in the teens. 

However you’re probably less familiar with the “feels like” formula for parents’ age. It’s similar to the heat index and wind chill factor in that it tells a story about how things feel that may not be reflected in the objective numbers. In this case relative to age instead of temperature.

For instance, the feels like age for events that involve standing outside in the sun for more than 4 hours (music festivals, some sporting events, mowing the lawn, etc) is calculated by adding 5 years to your age for every child. So, if you’re 35 and have two kids, your feels like age for attending the Austin City Limits Music Festival is 45. Make sense? 

For recitals, performances, and demonstrations add 1 year to your age per kid. So, if you have one kid, are 42, and are watching your 7-year-old sing show tunes, it’ll feel like you’re a year older but won’t really be noticeable. 

However, if you’re in the same situation but you have 7 kids this is a whole different ball game. You’ll feel like you’re almost 50 and for good reason. You’ve probably done this many times before, have to deal with the logistical nightmare of keeping the other six kids quiet in the audience, and graciously deal with all the impertinent questions and comments about your “crew.”

For situations that involve more than three consecutive nights of minimal to no sleep add 6 years per kid. At 31 with five kids it definitely felt like being a 61-year-old who just wanted to take a nap. 

If you’re of the grandparenting age you’re probably shaking your head (or perhaps your fist) at the newspaper and at this young whipper snapper’s characterization of age. But there’s one more aspect to the parent age feels like factor I should mention: the reverse anomaly effect.

This is where, for major holiday gatherings and family vacations, you add 3 years per kid and 5 years per grandkid and then subtract that total from your age. So, if you’re 68 with 3 kids and 6 grandkids you’ll feel like you’re 29 again. 

Having (lots of) kids may mean we’re feeling and getting older, but there’s no better way to stay young.