Get off Your Dang Phone!

It was hard to come up with a tactful headline for this one. Buckle up.

Before I started writing the Daddy Days column many moons (and children) ago, I wanted to write a column called, “And Another Thing…” The idea was for mid-20 somethings me to rant about pop culture and the general degeneration of society. The tag line would have been -- “Get off my lawn! And other thoughts from a millenial geezer.”

Consider this column somewhat of a holdover from the days when I had such aspirations.

I was recently driving through a neighborhood before the school bus came to pick kids up in the morning. I was surprised by how many kids were waiting for the bus and by how many bus stops there were (is a block too far to walk?). But mostly I was not surprised (although still somewhat taken aback) at the most common behavior in these groups.

Were they chatting away like songbirds about the latest school gossip? Nope. Probably annoying each other in inane and immature ways? Nope. Ok, then they must have been participating in the classic pastime of American teenage life: silently brooding.

Nope again.

At all of the stops most of the kids had their hands out, heads down, and were deeply absorbed into goodness knows what on their cell phones. It was almost like a dystopian novel where everyone is mindlessly plugged into The Collective, The One State, or The World State. Are they getting Soma through those ear buds?  

What sort of problems might this kind of behavior lead to? Neck problems from that awkward posture? Attention and focus issues from the flash/bang nature of social media usage? How about being overrun by giant insects a la that Starship Troopers movie from the 90s?

My buddy pointed out that kids don’t play with insects like we did when were were kids. A magnifying glass was a great way to learn about the natural world, and also a great way to concentrate the heat of the sun into a fire ant death ray.  What’s happening to all those bugs that aren’t becoming the collateral damage of a kids’ real-world science experiment?

Ok, fine. They probably aren’t growing into house-size evil arthropods bent on destroying the planet. But I will say this; I have observed an increase in insect fear and avoidance amongst my millennial peers. Boys in particular.

However, my courteous request in the headline isn’t just aimed at kids. Adults have the same addictive cell phone behaviors. What’s worse, the old guard, the generation that’s supposed to see through the seductive sheen of technological progress to the tradeoffs packaged inside is all-in on cell phones. I am stunned at how ubiquitous phone use is in social and meal time settings amongst the older group. Look around at a sit-down a restaurant and many of those Baby Boomers you’d think would have zero patience for the intrusion of a cell phone into a mealtime setting are the ones introducing the cell phones.

It’s mean but true, however, that this perception may be due in part to the far slower speed Boomers operate phones than the digitals natives. I know they think they’re going fast, and I know it won’t be long until I too am moving slower than I think, but the long stare and deliberate touchscreen operation they think isn’t pulling them out of the conversation is.

But wait, there’s more.

If cell phone addiction and intrusion aren’t bad enough, let me introduce you to their friend texting and driving.

I know, let’s combine the most dangerous routine activity millions of Americans participate in everyday (operating multi-ton steel boxes on wheels through congested and/or high speed roadways) with the most attention splitting device in the history of the world. What could possibly go wrong?

So, in conclusion, get off your phone.

In case you need additional convincing, here are some famous people from history talking about cell phones.

“The measure of a man is what he does with power, so always charge your phone.” - Plato

“We are what we repeatedly do; don’t be an emoticon.” - Aristotle

“Veni, vidi, texted.” - Julius Caesar

“Near the sun is the center of the universe. Near your phone is the world.” - Nicolaus Copernicus

“A Twitter saying proves nothing.” - Voltaire

“It is better to be on your phone than in bad company.” - George Washington

“When angry, count to four. When very angry, comment on YouTube from your phone.” - Mark Twain.

“The only man who never makes a mistake, is the man who never sends an e-mail from his iPhone.” - Theodore Roosevelt.

“Never mistake emotions on your phone for actions.” - Ernest Hemingway

Just kidding. None of them had phones. Just think if they had?