CSI Parenting

Most folks are probably familiar with the TV show CSI (Crime Scene Investigation) or one it’s many iterations (CSI Miami, CSI Las Vegas, CSI Boise, etc). It’s a drama about detectives and crime scene investigators solving mysteries using science, technology, and other misleadingly exciting appearing forensic tools.

Well, I have the newest version of this show: CSI Parents. It’s basically like the other CSI TV shows but it will show parents solving household “crimes” and mysteries. And, like Horatio Caine from CSI Miami, it will be rife with moments where a one-liner is delivered while the detective puts on their sunglasses.

My wife would be the star of the show. Partly because she looks good in sunglasses, but also because she has a knack for solving these types of mysteries. For example, the bite mark bandit.

The 6-year-old reported he’d been attacked by the 3-year-old and bitten on the arm. This was unprovoked of course. In support of his claim, the 6-year-old displayed a fresh bite mark on his left arm. 

I, like a rookie cop, flew off the handle. We’re not having biters in this house. The 3-year-old is immediately detained and sentenced. 

My wife looked at the bite mark and casually said, “did someone bite him? [puts on sunglasses] or did he bite himself?”

It had not even occurred to me that this might be the classic bite yourself in the arm and blame your brother set up. And I even employed this as a child. Sure enough, upon further inspection of the evidence the story fell apart. 

My wife pointed out that:

1) The mastication mark displayed was at the exact part of his forearm that would be at mouth level if he were to bend his arm in and bite himself. 

2) The teeth imprint showed upper incisor markings on the outside of the forearm. One would expect a bite supplied during the described attack to have come from the opposite direction. 

3) The bite was deep enough to show marks, but not so deep as to break skin. Odds are if the 3-year-old was going parana, he was going for blood. 

4) The 6-year-old was oddly calm during his report of the attack. 

5) The bite mark appeared too big to have been supplied by the accused’s mouth.

As greater scrutiny was given to the bite mark, the 6-year-old cracked and admitted he had faked the whole thing. Sadly, I had already disciplined the 3-year-old. He didn’t protest and seemed to think he should be in trouble, lending some credence to the theory he perhaps had attacked his older brother before the bite mark was added for theatricality. 

Anyway, as you can see from the proposed pilot episode above, CSI Parents will be coming soon to a prime time network slot near you. 

Get ready [puts on sunglasses] for a wild ride.