The Candidate we Need

Four years ago, I wrote about how our (then) newborn would have been a great candidate for president. Well it turns out our almost 5-year-old is still an excellent candidate. I know, I don’t even need to explain this, you’re on board. However, to win over the few holdouts, here’s why he’s a great candidate:

He is scandal free. Because even that time he ate garbage it wasn’t a scandal, it was just what 1-year-olds do. Plus he spit it out and didn’t inhale.

Health insurance coverage for all is important to him.  He lost a couple teeth and isn't 100% sure this type of spontaneous body part shedding is limited to teeth. Plus, he knows from personal experience that sometimes people eat garbage and need to see a doctor.

When he has a ridiculous public outburst about something or misspeaks, it wouldn't be the end of America as we know it because even the media can't imbue a 5-year-old’s tantrums with that kind of power. I think.

If he sticks his foot in his mouth it would be literal and intentional.

He has never sent confidential e-mail on an unsecure server, because he’s never sent an e-mail.  

If he calls his opponent names, he will probably apologize if he’s told that’s not nice.

He wouldn't debase the office of the Presidency with embarrassing tweets, petty false accusations, or trivial late night TV appearances because he thinks tweeting is for birds, saves his petty false accusations for his brothers, and his handlers (i.e., parents) have the good sense not to let him go on empty-headed TV programs.

No one would have to worry he’d build a wall or abolish the Second Amendment because those are two things a 5-year-old and the president can’t do.

He’s pro-sharing but he’d take a strong stance against the government drag-netting personal information because he knows involuntary sharing is no fun.

Education reform would be a high priority and as soon as he can read and write he’ll be all over this.

He would be an advocate for free speech because he knows being first is best and the first amendment is about free speech.

He’d do everything in his power to limit crime because he really doesn’t like how loud police sirens are.

The economy would be a high priority because when the economy is good he gets more gifts.