Greatness

Some ne’re-do-well named Bill from the 1500s once wrote that “some are born great...and some have greatness thrust upon them.” With the arrival of the fourth kid, greatness was thrust upon me.

Well, in theory.  But in actuality, greatness was only thrust upon me in the form of being in charge of the day-to-day care of the three other boys for a week. A great responsibility to be sure, but I wouldn’t say I achieved greatness in my execution.

For example, I took the three boys to the home improvement store for a quick trip and found out there is no “quick trip” with three kids under five in tow. Also, the logistics of just getting in and out of the van are a challenge. Check the math: three boys, strapped into three car seats with a total of nine clips, plus two doors in three rows of seating, in a parking lot with two hundred other cars in the 100 degree heat, with one shopping cart (full of bags) that has to be put in a cart return 20 feet away. The struggle is real. And greatness is elusive.

But greatness takes many forms in the life of a father. Perhaps it’s maintaining productivity at work while battling nights of staccato sleep at home.

Or being challenged with kitchen tasks that push the boundaries of your culinary skills. Like starting the timer on the oven. (Dear oven maker, I think “Start” is an excellent button to press after you’ve entered your desired cook time. Apparently you had a different take on oven design. If Windows 8 and a 1990s Casio watch had a baby it would be your oven’s interface. You suck.)

Or maybe greatness shows up in the form of an opportunity to make bathtime more efficient when your boys say they want to take a shower instead of a bath. This sounds harmless enough, and actually seems like a good time (and water) saver. But then, a few seconds in, you realize this was a terrible mistake.

The four-year-old is loving the shower and holding up a toy cup causing the water to spray into my face. While I try and look through the fire hydrant stream of water splashing off my glasses, the three-year-old suddenly decides he doesn't want to get wet and is clamoring to get to the back of the tub. But he can't get to the back, because the 18-month-old is already back there peeing on the floor.

I probably would have had more success throwing three cats into the shower than the three boys. Greatness achieved? I think not.

But that’s the great thing about fatherhood. Even though greatness is indeed thrust upon you as soon as you become a dad, you don’t have to be great at it. And your kids (and probably everyone else) don’t know how inept you are in your role at times.

Unless you write about it in a newspaper column. Dang.