Diaper Wars

Chronicles from the front lines of the war on diapers: the battle for Potty Hill.

Day 1: 0700 hours.

Yet another soiled diaper. These aren't accidents. The enemy’s developed an attachment to his room and wants to “go” in his diaper on his own turf. Big Mamma has been deployed in an attempt to coax the rebel onto Potty Hill.

Day 2: 1300 hours.

The acts of aggression continue. Training exercises and friendly intervention are not having an impact. The once-a-day assault has increased to multi-daily intentional diaper soilings at nap and bedtime.

Day 2: 2100 hours.

High level discussions with Big Mamma. Should underwear be revoked? The rebel has been potty trained for months on the pee front but it isn't translating into success a la #2. Note to self: never say “a la #2” again.

Day 3: 1100 hours.

We need an inside man. Our most experienced agents, the grandmas, are compromised by the cuteness of the enemy. Plus, their relationship to the combatant don’t allow for the type of subterfuge we need. Need to get creative…

Day 3: 1200 hours.

Call in the flusher. He’s a rookie, but he’s the best we have. The four-year-old can leverage his relationship with the two-year-old and affect the type of subtle manipulation we need. We’re activating the Old Brother.

Day 4: 1400 hours.

It’s not working.

Day 5: 13:00 hours.

I lie. Told the rebel we didn't have any diapers, ran out. The war of attrition begins.

Day 5: 1700 hours.

Fierce fire-fights break out. Underestimated the resilience of the other side. Although far outgunned, he has an abundance of free time to string out as a defense and it’s working.

Day 6: 0800 hours.

Another fire-fight. Serious doubts regarding the soundness of this ultimatum are sinking in. Losing support of the troops. Our inside man has disappeared.

Day 9: 0800 hours.

Three days and still no, er, movement. Time to reconvene with Big Mamma and reassess.

Day 9: 1600 hours.

We need to retreat. We’re risking too much, certainly have more to lose than the enemy. I wave the white flag of surrender that is a box of diapers.

Present day.

Things are back into the routine they were before the battle. The good news is the intentional, multi-day diaper soilings have stopped. The combatant is even showing interest in attempting peace talks on Potty Hill in the future.

We’re hopeful the war can still be won.