Kid Storm Warnings

Spring in Central Texas usually means the occurrence of a few good storms. The meteorologists on TV will get all excited when there’s the potential for hail, tornadoes, or some sort of weather related bedlam. Kind of makes you question whose side they’re on…

Anyway, with all the talk of severe weather alerts and warnings, it got me thinking about how great it would be if there was an alert system for child behavior as well. Below is the official Daddy Days guide to the various notifications in the newly created Warning And Alerts for Handling Horrible Situations system.

Tantrum Watch – This means conditions are right for a tantrum to form in the immediate vicinity. Those in the alert area should be extra vigilant for signs of unrest among the children. A missed nap is a reliable bellwether that you may be in for a rough time.

Tantrum Warning – This means a tantrum is occurring in the area. Oftentimes a quick listen will allow the parent to ascertain the location of the tantrum. If possible, seek the safety of open areas outside of the house or near an open window.

Air Quality Action Day – This means environmental conditions in the house are predicted to be hazardous to the health of individuals in the residence (or at least their noses). Recommended actions may include emptying all trash cans, replacing the diaper pail, removing all soiled diapers from the house, and moving.

Flash Flood Warning – This means there’s a high probability the baby is going to pee on you during a diaper change. Conditions that precipitate this warning are removing the old diaper and failing to cover the area with a shield while reaching for the clean diaper. A stream of just a few inches can cause significant damage.

Tear Storm Warning – You can expect a T-Storm alert to sound the second you enter a doctor’s office. Other conditions that increase the likelihood of T-Storms are falling down, having a toy taken away, and being 2 years old.

Heat Advisory – This means a fever has been detected in one of the children and extreme caution must be taken. Quarantine measures are not unreasonable. A Heat Advisory is often accompanied by a T-Storm warning and a Tantrum Watch.

Hurricane Warning – The only good thing about the hurricane is that with even the slightest amount of awareness you will see it coming from a long way off. For instance, your kid got up early, the family traveled all day, the kid had chocolate for dinner, and the whole family’s staying in the same room that night. That’s a Category 4 headed right at you.

Earthcake Early Warning – This alert is for the terribly destructive event that is having children eat birthday cake en masse. The early warning referred to in the title goes off the second the parent orders a cake for a toddler’s birthday party. Once the cake has been served and the earthcake starts, there’s nothing a parent can do except hide under the table