Parenting and Happiness

I keep hearing and reading news stories about studies showing parents are less happy than non parents. This annoys me. And not just because I’m a parent with young children and irritable.

I did not look in to the “studies” these stories were based on so I’m just reacting to what they were purported to report. I can’t speak critically enough about the flimsy methodology of most studies or the carelessness with which the media presents them. The fact that the metric for comparing parents and non parents is happiness should tip you off that something is not quite right with this study. (If I created my own headlines this one would have read "Children and Happiness, and other B.S. combos").

If you ask a koala if it’s easier to climb a tree alone or with three koala cubs on it’s back, of course it’s going to say alone. That’s the best way I can think to sum up my assumption of what this study consisted of. Koalas being asked questions.

But really, happiness just seems like a spectacularly superficial way to quantify any experience in parenthood. From the joyful terror that I felt when the boys were born to the beautiful and trying everyday interactions I have with them, I have never found myself thinking, “I’m not as happy as I would be if I didn’t have kids.” Or even, "Am I happy?” Having kids is not about happiness. Really.

That’s not to say it isn’t wonderful, because it is. But my gosh, you’d go insane if you went in to parenthood expecting to be happier than you were as a non-parent. Because your concept of happiness prior to being a parent would certainly not contain extreme sleep deprivation, poopy diapers, and the general din that just seems to hover around children like an eardrum assaulting aura.

It’s kind of like asking an engaged couple to describe the love they have for each other and asking a couple married for 50 years to do the same. One of those loves is going to contain a lot deeper connection even if it’s not described in such fiery, flowery terms. But I bet the engaged couple scores higher on the self reported "love scale."

I'm going to keep going. Happiness in America usually means selfishness (e.g., me time, following my dreams, doing what I want, etc) so how do you expect a parent to score well when self reporting this? That would be like expecting a panda to score well when self reporting on how many times it felt like the greenest animal in the jungle.

But even assuming happiness is a relative concept and it's about more than "me" there's yet another issue with comparing non-parents' happiness to parents' happiness. Parents know what they're missing out on, but non-parents have no idea.

The first steps, and sweet hugs, and half formed I love yous that swell a parent's heart, aren't going to score higher than "cute " on the non-parent’s scale.

So yes, if you asked me pre-children to describe my "happiness" and that involved some quantification of freedom, free time, time with friends, etc., I bet I would have scored higher than taking that same survey now. But you know what? I've never been happier.