Kids Like Zombies
Just in time for Halloween, I have made a spooky discovery: kids are like zombies. I know, most of you were already thinking this, but I’ve compiled a list to show the doubters (who are probably zombies) that it’s true.
1) Just like zombies, kids are voraciously hungry. Although they don't have the same taste in cuisine (one craves brains the other cookies) they will both stop at nothing to satisfy their hunger. I’ve seen zombies run through fire in pursuit of a meal and kids are just as fearless of hot ovens or sharp knives when they’re looking to eat. And just like zombies, when deprived of food they're downright unbearable to be around.
2) Just like zombies, kids are more intimidating in numbers. Let's be real. If you see a lone member of the walking dead on the street you probably wouldn't be that scared. You could easily avoid him and would be able to stay safe as long as you kept your distance. It's the same with most kids, one alone isn't scary. But if a pack of them is charging at you it's a whole different story. Especially in small spaces, like a house or a football field. Similar to zombies, a pack of ravenous kids can strike fear in the heart of the calmest person.
3) Just like zombies, kids are dirty. I've seen my son with enough dirt on him to have been in a grave. Zombies spread their zombiness in all sorts of ways in the movies, just like kids spread their dirtiness in many forms. They track mud into houses, smear food on car windows, and spread diseases (the common cold may be "common" but it's still a disease) without even trying.
4) Just like zombies, kids should not be awaken on accident. If given the choice of being in a graveyard with waking zombies or a houseful of accidentally awaken children, I’m taking the graveyard. In fact, the bitter cry of a midnight toddler can actually turn you into a zombie according to an Internet source (my Twitter account).
5) Just like zombies, kids will use their bodies as weapons. I've seen a herd of kids slam into a baby gate blocking a staircase and come pouring over each other just like in that new zombie movie. My son has run full tilt into me just to see if he could knock me down showing no care for his own body. This kind of blatant disregard for their bodies is something I’ve only seen in children and zombies.
However, unlike zombies kids don’t have a metaphorical Achilles tendon (you know, the brain shot). And also you want them around. It’s funny how such messy, moody, and munchy beings can be such a welcome addition to your life. I hear being chased by zombies is exhilarating. Well, for my money, raising little ones is a far greater thrill.