Dear Toddler Bed

The life of a young parent is fraught with ups and downs. Sometimes it seems like the downs are going to last forever. And I frequently react to them as if that’s true. So I decided next time I felt that way I was going to channel those feelings into a letter addressed to whatever it was I was sure was the end of the world, and then check back on it a few weeks later to see if my reaction was warranted. It just so happened the day I decided to do this was the day Eli outgrew his crib.

Dear toddler bed,

You are ruining my life. Your predecessor, the crib, and I used to get along so well. At night I put Eli down and  the crib cradled him until morning. Prior to Eli's escape from Alcatraz moment, the bars on the crib represented an insurmountable wall between Eli's bedtime and my sanity.

But then you came along. The first night I met you, I tried to get things started on the right foot. I dressed you up in special sheets, and gave you a special name, the big boy bed. But how did you repay me? By encouraging Eli to play free range chicken, that's how.

Don’t try and deny it. The first time I put him down I started my stopwatch. Within 3.8 seconds Eli was up from bed and out of his room. After that, he realized he was no longer contained and started coming out of his room all the time. This seriously inhibits my ability to do anything, particularly sleeping. Which is ironic because you're a bed.

And it's not just me. When my wife saw I was writing you a letter she said, “be sure to include that it's the bane of my existence." There you go. How does it feel to be singled out like that by someone who regularly changes dirty diapers, gets spit up on, and has to fight with Eli to keep his hand out of the toilet bowl?

Even John doesn't like you. Now, that’s only because he knows it won't be long until he'll no longer be sharing his parents' room because the crib is now empty.  But nonetheless, even the sweet, little baby doesn't like you.

I'd continue this excoriating letter to you but (because you no doubt tempted him with freedom again) Eli is stuck with one leg on top of the baby gate that’s in his doorway and I have to free him.

I'll be dreaming of throwing you in a wood chipper if I ever get to sleep.

Sincerely,

Caleb

One week later

Dear toddler bed,

Forget what I said last week. I hadn't slept and perhaps was a little too harsh. Eli is sleeping through the night now and doesn't even get out of bed after lying down. He actually wants to go to bed.

You're the best.

Caleb

P.S. However if you see teething gums, tell them I have a letter for them...