John

Well, our new addition arrived. Contrary to all the wives tales (and French grandmothers) we had a boy -- John.

We (and by we I mean my wife, who did all the birthing) had John at a birthing center instead of a hospital like with Eli. It was awesome! My wife delivered quickly, the baby was healthy, and I didn't pass out even once. It was also great actually getting to hold our baby and spend time together immediately after he was born. Something the hospital wasn't set up for. Something I am not set up for is birthing at home.  

Let me paint you a picture. It's 1:30 in the morning and I'm lying on the floor in Eli's room with my hand through the slats in the crib because he's running a fever and won't stop crying unless someone's touching his hand. Because I'm a second time dad, as soon as I know Eli's sick and not sleeping I know this baby is coming tonight. You see, I've learned that babies, much like a guerilla warriors, love a good ambush and wait for an inopportune time to be born. So I was ready.

I was so ready in fact, that at 4:15 a.m. when my wife shouted for me, I jumped up like a ninja and found her in the bathtub faster than a bloodhound can find stinky cheese (note to readers: it is not advisable to use metaphors where your wife is represented by stinky cheese. Unless you're a ninja.)

In between intense contractions she was able to tell me if we didn't leave now this baby was going to be born at home. Aaaannnd that's about the time my mind went blank. In my stupor, I brought her underwear when she asked for pants, turned the shower on when she was trying to get out of the tub, and apparently couldn't remember how to use a cell phone as I tried to call my mom to come watch Eli. I did however make sure I put on deodorant which I think clearly demonstrates my inability to lucidly react, and also my commitment to good hygiene.

However, by the time we were in the minivan driving to the birthing center I was thinking more clearly. My wife was shouting for me to run stop signs but I had the presence of mind to cautiously look for other dads-to-be who may be tearing through the night thinking they were the only ones rushing to have a baby.

We made it to the birthing center and John was born less than 30 minutes later. Just seven hours later (really!) we were walking out to the van to go home with our new addition. That’s also when I realized my wife had come to the birthing center without shoes. I apologized for letting her leave barefoot since it was 40 degrees that morning, but she laughed and said, “don’t you remember? While you were running around getting everything we needed to take with us, you were telling me to put on shoes and a jacket. I just ignored you and went to the van.” So at least say some part of my brain was working. I just don’t remember it.