Things Parents Shouldn't Have
I had written a column about items I recommend getting for your kids a few weeks ago. However that list made me realize there was a set of far more important suggestions that needed to be shared. The list of items you should NOT get (or immediately get rid of) if you have kids.
1. A coffee table. Just don’t do it. I know, you could put it here, or put padding on it there, or be super vigilant, but it doesn't matter. Your kid will find a way to crash into the edge of the table no matter what. Do yourself a favor and put it away until your kid(s) goes to college.
2. Carpet. There’s a place where families with kids have carpet that isn’t stained, stretched, burnt, or torn. That place is called Neverland. As in that is never, never, never going to happen. The first thing my son did when we came home from the hospital was spit up on the carpet. If you’ve just become a parent there are a lot of things you can put off until your kid is mobile. Protecting the carpet isn’t one of them.
3. A sense of embarrassment. You will not have a sense of embarrassment left by the time your kid’s a toddler so when he starts bursting through the bathroom door like the KoolAid man while you’re in there, this won’t even bother you. Some parents try to hold on to this sense of embarrassment but I suggest letting it go as soon as you can. It will save you the trouble of worrying about how embarrassing any given action your kid may do will be. (Note: If you’re pre-kid and this concerns you, don’t fret. There’s a special chemical your brain releases while experiencing the exhaustion of having a newborn that helps suppress the embarrassment triggers. Before you know it you’ll be completely oblivious to folks giving you social cues that you should be embarrassed).
4. Nice things of any kind. Welcome to parenthood! Please stow all fragile, collectible, valuable, or sentimentally valuable items in the overhead compartment where they will be smashed, torn, soiled, and ruined beyond recognition. Babies can sense which possessions you cherish, and will stop at nothing to destroy said possessions. If you’ve ever been shopping and bought something because you don’t care if it gets messed up, you either have kids or you SO get parenting.
Of course, these suggestions are based solely on my personal experience. However, I’ve had one kid for more than a year so I pretty much know everything there is to know about parenting, children, and the universe. (I’m familiar with sarcasm too). Take these suggestions to heart or with a grain of salt, but I assure you this: there’s not a single room in our house with carpet.