Away from Home

What do these three things have in common: hitting puberty, getting married, and becoming a dad? They are significant changes in a man’s life. Young men, husbands, and fathers can try to ignore or deny the changes but sooner or later you’re going to look in the mirror and realize something is different.

In the case of husbands and dads the difference isn’t so much physical as it is mental. For newlywed me, the realization that bachelor Caleb was gone came when I found a bottle of bathroom spray on the back of the toilet. At least he went down smelling like clean linen.

But for new father me (uh, current me) the realization that I'm a dad has happened over and over again. Some of these situations make sense: Like when I driving home from the hospital, and I could've swore every driver on the road was trying to hit the car. Or when I sold my two passenger truck because the baby couldn’t ride in it. Or when I bought the minivan and used my son’s cuteness to negotiate a better price. But I’m amazed at how often these kinds of reminders happen.

I found myself in the sad state of having to be away from home for several weeks in a row recently. As much as I hated the thought of being away for so long, a small part of me couldn’t help thinking about the freedom I would have being on my own. However, after one day I was ready to be back in shackles if that’s what going home was.

Fatherhood is the burden you never want to lose, and not only is the burden not lessened when you’re away from home, it’s worse. Everything reminded me of my son. Two weeks in I saw a toddler dressed up in a bear costume and I almost cried (Yeah, I said it. But if you had seen my son in his Winnie the Pooh Halloween costume you would understand the sentimentality I now have for two and a half foot tall bears).

Not stepping on toys, fighting with him to eat dinner, and hearing him throw a fit were little symbols of the gaping hole inside me. Since my wife will read this it’d be wise to point out that I missed her too. When it dawned on me that I’d been putting the toilet seat down in a hotel room that I was staying in alone, I realized how thoroughly married I was. And how glad I was for it.

I'm only a year or so into this whole fatherhood thing so maybe I only notice the “dad things” because it's all still new. Or maybe by pointing out all the differences I'm trying to subtly reveal the spectacular bliss that one experiences in fatherhood. It’s a toss up. I'll contemplate this while cleaning up the oatmeal Eli just put in my shoes.