Presidential Election
I was watching the presidential debate on TV the other night and was struck by a sudden realization: my son would make a great candidate for president. And I don’t mean my son could grow up to run for president but that he should be a candidate right now.
He’s got everything the current frontrunners are offering: non-sensical rhetoric, a willingness to pander to whoever’s giving him attention, and a fondness for Big Bird. He’s comfortable riding around in the back seat of a vehicle (and what is a minivan if not the limousine of the baby world?) and he likes to shake hands and kiss babies.
His platform would be straightforward. He’s pro-life because his life experience has taught him he needed to be born to have life experiences. He’s anti-guns because loud noises startle him. Education would be a major focus of his campaign and he would regularly drag out alphabet books during stump speeches to emphasize his points.
His running mate would be his stuffed hedgehog, Henry. Henry has strong foreign policy experience (he was made in China) and knows how to force a point onto people when cornered. Henry would also be good at energizing a party’s base through grass roots movements (or at least moving through the grass).
My son would be quick to appoint a cabinet if he became president (as long as there were no child locks involved) and would move to stop drilling in the Gulf because he believes child labor laws should prohibit children from drilling for oil (drill, baby, drill!). Also, just like a politician, he knows how to take things out of context.
My son would fit in with the other presidential candidates because he is always putting his foot in his mouth. Of course, he is literally putting his foot into his mouth, and he does it intentionally so that’s really nothing like the candidates.
Candidates like to point out things the other campaigns got wrong and my son loves to point things out too. For him it’s mostly fans, electronics, and shiny objects but with the right campaign manager he could be directing the electorate’s attention to other candidate’s gaffes in no time.
While I would never subject my son to the quadrennial circus that is presidential politics, thinking of him as a candidate gave me a new perspective on the men currently running for office. It also made me wonder where I could get two oversized pacifiers.
I don’t know who America will vote for this November, but whoever wins one thing’s for sure: I'm not changing his diaper.